Life;s Lessons revisited

I totally get what you mean T, I guess I didnt explain myself well enough -

What I'm trying to say is I have a caretaker personality, it's something I cannot break away from, even when trying exceedingly hard to break this habit - it is in my nature to care for others.

I am always there for others to vent or what not, no matter whats going on in my life. For example - I was in the hospital waiting for blood work to verify if the bleeding i was having was a miscarriage or just spotting - my phone rings - i answer it to listen to a friend whine about their significant other and how they are being ignored etc - AFTER explaining where i was and what i was waiting for - all i got is an "OH ... bummer... well... get what this rat is doing now...."

Whats My Point?? I'm there for people no matter what. ALWAYS. No matter what I'm going through I dont say... "I'm sorry I dont have time for your drama right now I've got my own shit to deal with"... and you wouldnt believe how many times i'd really like to say that (especially in the above mentioned situation being my 5th miscarriage in a 3 year period of time).

But when I need someone when I'm not doing so good in my life and I could really stand to hear some uplifting Cheerleading - even if we both know its bullshit - I need to hear something positive - some pom pom shaking - someone making the effort to try and help me see beyond the cloud of oppressive pain ... WHO is there for me?

Why is it that I will stop everything I'm doing to take a phone call, answer an IM, go visit with a friend that needs help (to the point of leaving work to do these things) but when I need someone to talk to, hang out with, etc... WHO is there for me? Why do i get the... "uh... i cant take a break until... i get off at ... but i already made plans to do ... try me tomorrow or something... etc" or even better yet "HEY! you've reached.... leave a message I'll get back to ya..." I leave said message and get no return call :(

I also have a tendency to help others until it becomes detrimental to my own welfare ... another example ... after splitting with my ex i knew he had no place to live if i asked him to leave, so against any sane judgment i allowed him to stay ... having this person live in the same house with me is what started the horrendous snowball/drowning effect I'm going through now and cant seem to find my way out of.

I work at home, so having someone who is unemployed (and refusing to be employed) sitting next to me all day chatting away at me and taking phone calls and playing computer games all within 3 feet of where i'm trying to make money to keep a roof over my head, the internet on so i can continue to work, food for me and my dogs, etc you get the point was prohibiting me from getting said work done. I got into trouble time and time again with work, "you're in this report too long" "you're not meeting your production requirments" "we're cutting you to part time" (means loss of PTO, loss of medical benefits, loss of holiday pay, loss of respect from my employer etc)

My job is to listen to doctors "dictate" (an audio recording) and type it - correctly because it is a permanent, legal part of someone's medical history and because it is also what the doctors and nurses use to care for their patient. If any part of what I type is incorrect there could be fatal consequences (missed an allergy, put a wrong medication, gave a wrong diagnosis... etc) I also get paid on production, not by the hour. Put 2 and 2 together and see that if someone is running their mouth or playing loud tv or computer games I cant hear the doctor to do my work ... the less i work... the less $ i make... the less bills get paid... see the vicious cycle?

Said person also took it upon themselves to eat every last bit of food in the house that nearly half of my paycheck would go to purchase - leaving me with nothing. He would take my bank card and buy things without my knowledge/permission until i started getting calls and letters and notices from the companies i had mailed checks to pay bills that the checks had bounced and oohhh now i'm in the hole a bit deeper and now quite a bit of my paycheck is going for bounced check fees and the bills remain unpaid.... and of course because of the decreased amount of work being done because of previously mentioned interruptions to work... the paychecks get smaller... the past due amounts continue to grow - the smaller paychecks are unable to cover the monthly expenses let alone tackle any of the past due amounts ... the mess gets bigger and more overwhelming. And even now, that person is gone and I nearly forcefully removed from my house because of all of these problems but only stood up for myself and what i deserved AFTER i'm so far damaged from trying to help someone else that I cant get things under control for myself.

.....well snowball after snowball has arrived and melted (due to the heat from this hell i'm in) and now i'm in up to my eyebrows drowning trying to stay afloat - doing that tilt your head back and stand on your tip toes and claw at the waves to try and get a small gasp of air to hold onto until the next wave passes...

its all exhausting, overwhelming... and doesnt even bring into play other aspects of my life that also need addressing and restructuring.

and through all this, I've decided... I may go down, but I'll go down fighting, and I'm fighting for my life right now so you better believe I'm fighting dirty! I may not have much to live for at the moment- i may not have anywhere to live next month - i may have a job but no way to perform that job without the internet and electricity - i may only have 1 cup of cooked rice left to eat and I dont get paid until friday but my dogs have food for at least another week - xmas is just around the corner (19 days) and i'm going to be sitting here alone and have no way to do a present exchange for anyone or with anyone, but hopefully it will be with my internet on and electricity on and my gas on - i have no idea how i'm going to fight my way out of this mess and get back on the right track -- But i'm terrified to die. I'm terrified to NOT fight my way out of this.

I came to this realization during the white out and 12 inches of snow that fell in less than 4 hours ... that i drove home through Monday night. I kept asking myself why am i trying so hard not to wreck? When i go into this next spin why dont i just let go... let it happen instead of fighting it... I could really F** it up and not have to worry about any of this crap anymore- no more you owe this, you owe that, no more nightmares, no more drama - just F** it all - as I watch cars slide to within inches of pushing me off the road and down a small cliff...

Because I dont really want to die... I want to find a way out of this shit hole i'm in and say F U to the people that wouldnt be my friends (and family for that matter) when I needed it and forgot how many times I was "there" for them when they needed it. I want to see what my life will be like when I finally get myself out of this mess...

Thats the point I'm trying to make. I will still be there for my "friends" but from now on... my needs are coming firs ... you're just gonna have to wait unless its detrimental or lifethreatening.