Master of the Game

"And hence one master-passion in the breast, Like Aaron's serpent, swallows up the rest." ~ Alexander Pope

"Diamonds resist blows to such an extent that an iron hammer may be split in two and even the anvil itself may be displaced. This invincible force, which defies Nature's two most violent forces, iron and fire, can be broken by ram's blood. But it must be steeped in blood that is fresh and warm and, even so, many blows are needed." ~ Pliny the Elder

Financial Freedom

Financial Freedom?

A friend of mine has started a blog with the steps to his financial freedom Financial Freedom - it makes for a pretty interesting read. His plan is to log all of his attempts and his successes and his failures. Wish I had the nerve to do the things he is trying to do. But as he states, we get so bogged down in the conventional and normal that we get stuck.

And thats exactly what I am, stuck. Stuck in a job where I am someone else's employee and how much money I make is dependent on internet reliability, computer reliability, how many days the doctors take off, holidays, etc.

Currently I'm not even able to make ends meet and by making payment arrangements to keep my internet and things like that up and running just so i can continue the same vicious cycle, i'm getting more behind in other areas .... etc... ad nauseum.

What irks me the most? I dont make enough to care for myself or feed myself properly, I dont make enough to have any kind of social life (other than via the internet - but is that a real social life with real life people stimulation? NO), go out with friends, go out to eat, just go cruise around and find some new scenery, let alone go someplace nice with someone special, or just go visit family, etc... but I make just a smidge too much to qualify for financial aide, and by only like $300 a month or less. I dont qualify for medicaid, i dont qualify for food stamps, and i dont qualify for any other type of assistance... oh unless i get pregnant... then they are ALL for helping me out.

What kind of world do we live in where the government is abdicating procreation for the sake of financial aide? I mean, I'd love to have a baby, love to have a child of my own (barring the complications of the 5 miscarriages i've had in the past 3 years, and 1 twelve years ago), but I'm not about to get pregnant just so i can get money to feed myself, and health insurance, and financial assistance to pay my daily bills to keep a roof over my head ... I mean for real?

What really sticks in my craw is that there are people who are barely US citizens if not illegal aliens who come to our country just because this funding is available and they find every loophole there is and abuse it til there is nothing left for people like me who are actually TRYING to make an honest living and only need just a little boost, just get me over that hump and set me on the right path and i'm good to go.

Ya Know What I'm Sayin?

I know I havent been posting my usual mind bending blogs lately, past 2 weeks ish? I have several reasons for that... and really, they are good /wink.

I've had my favorite visitor (my very own Vinny /wub) for a few days last week and supposed to be arriving again sometime tonight early morning tomorrow to stay for a few more days. Be the first thanksgiving i've done anything other than staying home alone, eating ramen and tuna, and playing EQ in years...

And go ahead and add in there that I volunteered to attempt to make him turkey dinner (what was i thinking? LOL) . Yeah so like I've NEVER made a whole turkey before - made everything else... but unfortunately my kitchen supplies are severely lacking so I'm going to have make some compromises on how things SHOULD be done 0.o ... sound scarey? and youre not even the one gonna EAT it .... /faint

I know, no reason to spaz or panic... can just be some really pricey dog food eh? Yeah I know, he's just a guy probably like anything? But that dont matter when compared to my desire to cook a good meal for my man... make him proud... have his belly full of good and tasty food... and the fact that im a perfectionist by nature...

Also been trying to get my finances under control by working mad hours while the work is available. Tradiationally holidays means no work available even though I cant have the day off..../grumble.

And point out that my Audiology and Ophthamology special senses class started Nov 6... and I'm still needing to finish my first assignment... ugh! And xmas is only 33 days away? My little sister harassing me to move back to SC... would love to see her, but living that close to my stepfather... well thats just not even cool. And we'll forget the part about the SCSP looking for me 0.o....

Mom telling me in so many more words that i need to find a new job because my current job apparently isnt meeting up with their promises of amount of work and money that i will make etc. Typical mom stuff... but woulda rather talked about something else for 2 damn hours.

Anywho... Vince and Meeril have me in CoA at the moment trying to chain murder me... so ... guess i should go do my part and play backup healer so maybe we wont die for the 30th time tonight /snicker. More later i spose....

Right on Sista!

From Krys /hugs

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you [alive] and leaves you crying in the darkness, so [a] simple phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." ............................

as the sands of the hourglass....

yeah - its been a few days since ive posted ... ive had a tremendous amount of things on my mind, things that are still weighing very heavy on me....

to add to it, and probably because of it, I've been having some nasty dreams lately, and no not the good kind of nasty - nasty as in painful, hurtful, wake in terror, wake in tears, feel as if in an aching state all day and cant shake that feeling of dread and impending doom...

someone once told me that dreams are very important, they should be listened to... and deja vu? sometimes dismissed as a random neurological event, but is often a message from deep within the soul - and when the soul comes tapping at the door, its time to let it in....

if there was ever a time when i wished i was wrong... if there was ever a time when i wished those dreams that i have wont come true... if only....

why is it that there are so many things that i easily excel at, without even trying... and there is just one thing that i do nothing but struggle with... like in this one situation in particular - i always feel insecure... i constantly need validated... need constant reassurance... i cant explain why i need it, i've never needed or wanted it before, suddenly i do, WANT it and NEED it ... i've never needed or wanted so much before in my life, and yet i still feel utterly defeated, weak, and unreassured BECAUSE of this want/need... and apparently the lack of being able to express that i have this need....

i've always been a pillar of strength and nothing affects me, nothing can get through the layers and layers of protection i've built over the years and its because of these barriers that i've felt strong... but now someone has broken through... and i feel raw, bare, exposed, vulnerable, weak.... like a fresh wound exposed to the elements....

how can you love someone so much and not know how to love them? not know how to make them happy? how can i be so dense? why do i feel so lost and misplaced? why do i feel like i just cant get a firm footing to stand on my own 2 feet? what happened to ME? where did i go?