A Bending of Light

This letter is reposted from Maverick, from some "dead" letters he received from a friend who works at the post office. The language used is profound, the use and meaning of each word made me hang on to every syllable, and ache to know such a person with so many feelings and not afraid to share them, let alone addressed vaguely to "my future lover" and left undeliverable by the post office, and yet the author went through the effort to write, address, stamp, and mail the letter in the hopes that someone, somewhere would find it and be touched.

Letter #1 To my Future Lover

To my future lover,

I don't even know who you are, but by the time my heartbeat falls silent in this life I know I will have met you. Who knows how long I'll have known you for by that time? They say that some souls have known each other forever, even before they meet in this life. I think that's the case between you and I, but just how long do I have to wait until I know you again?

When I was a small boy, I climbed Mt. Kosciusko* with my father. We went up there in the middle of summer - it was shortly before dawn and it was still sweltering heat - but the top of the mountain was still capped with snow. We caught a chair-lift up the foothills, but walked for most of the way along a gully that had been cut into the mountainside by the melts of several thousand years. My little legs got tired a third of the way into the walk, and my father hoisted me onto his shoulders where I dozed from time to time, in between looking at wildflowers and birds. There was life everywhere, and I was right in the middle of it. The memory is still as clear as the day that I lived it.

When the first blue shadow of the sky was creeping over the horizon, we arrived at the foot of Kosciusko. It was really just a small hill on top of a huge movement of dirt and rock thrust up by the earth, but the size to me when I was such a small child was north of my wildest dreams. We came to the top of the hill in a short time, and before you knew it, I, perched on my father's shoulders, was the highest point in the land. That view from the top was brilliant.

As far as the eye could see was an undulating serpent of mountaintops, known as the Great Dividing Range. They snaked their way up the coast, beyond vision, and Mt. Kosciusko was right in the middle of that serpent's back. After a few minutes of being there, the sun had begun to make it's journey across the sky, chasing time, and it unfolded the most spectatular sight I have ever had the glory of witnessing. I could see the whole world! Plains that went on forever laid themselves bare to the west, and the mountains that snaked their way down into other states took on shapely, rounder forms in that soft light. It was so big...everything was so big...I wasn't sure whether it was just me as a kid, but on that day I got the first malformed sense of how small it is that we really are. I felt struck by the volume of things, and was a litle frightened by it all. What hope do we have of being seen amongst all of this vastness?

Now, as I move about through all this beautiful mess of daily life, I still can't help but feel the smallness of who I am. Long after that journey I made as a child, I am still climbing mountains, although most of them I have thrust up out of the earth of my own self. I still feel that I need to become bigger, but find that the daily rigours of my job and my life keep me from being who I want to be. I want you to hurry up so that this can all change. I need to know what sort of mountains love can throw up before me, and I want to climb them willfully.

You are like that day, this I know. You are like all of the wildlife and flowers I saw, like the life in the essence of everything. You are in the earth and the water, in light and in the height of mountains, and I know that one day I will climb to see the vastness of you, and that you will be the sunrise in my heart, showing me how small the world is with you in it - how you will crowd out everything that there has ever been. That day up the mountain will pale in comparison to the sight of you. So wherever you are, and wherever you are rising from, come soon. I need to see your light, as if for the first time. I love you already, and I always have. When does the sunrise of forever begin? Come soon, love,

Donny xxxx

*Australia's highest peak.

To Resolve or Not To Resolve...

I get sucked into the "newness" of the New Year period just as much as anyone. It's a time to renew, to lay down new hopes and ambitions, a time to kiss old ones goodbye, and a time to reflect upon what has passed - to review the year that was. History is as important as the future, but sometimes we pay less attention because history smells worse. It's tired and musty, groaning with the weight of being lived in, whereas the things that we've only just dreamed up still smell like soap.

I like resolve, therefore I like resolutions. They are mechanisms for change, without which we stagnate. To have resolve is to be bound up in an energy that has purpose, a sense of destiny, and a flow towards an ultimate achievement. There a few things better on this earth than feeling an idea germinate, grow and bloom into something real and palpable. The sense of momentum within the process is itself enough to validate the initial resolve, and to keep all of the passions that are necessary to keeping the dream alive ignited.

I've been thinking a lot about this past year, failures and successes alike. I have had a few of each. But after all has been reviewed and analysed to within an inch of it's life, I find that the one thing that I like the most about this year is who I was while it was passing. Usually, I may have a list of things that I would like to achieve as each new year comes into being, but this year I'm looking back before I look forward.

So this year my resolution is simple. I want more of the same. I resolve to be me, only to grow better at it. I resolve to breathe my fire; to be free. To tip my hat to the world and dance my life as though I can never get a step wrong, and when I do, as a contingency, I resolve to keep on dancing.

Are you happy with who you are? Or does this influence your resolutions? What are your resolutions anyway?

Thanks Mav /hugs

Regrets

I know everyone says "I have no regrets," but the question is don't we all in reality regret something, somewhere, someone, or sometime?

I can truly say that I regret a few things - love lost, words said, time wasted. None of us can get any of those regrets back. We can never change what happened or rewind time. We can only accept our mistakes, learn from them, and hopefully make things better in the future.

Admitting you were wrong is one of the single hardest things people have to do. However, if you become able to cope with your trimuphs and downfalls you will enevitably be a wiser, stronger, better person.

I thought long and hard about my regrets and about why I did things that I did in the past. I accept my choices and can only hope to be forgiven by the one that means the most.

In life we have our heart broken and we break hearts. Thats life and the heart is fragile. I hope to take my regrets and be completely happy. To earn the love and respect of the one person other then myself that I truly value the most.

So as for regrets...there not so bad....because once they are regrets you probably won't repeat that regret. And true love accepts mistakes and regrets. Love yourself because you are fablous, and love the person that loves you because they are fabulous.

Salt in an Open Wound?

As mentioned in my prior post i'm already not doing good. Lets add in that with my 1/16 of a tank of gas, and my last $2 to my name i decided to make a break for the reservation today and buy a pack of smokes. I was gonna try and quit, but I just needed something to calm my nerves.

So, just before the rez there's a crap load of troopers set up in a road block stopping everyone checking for inspections and insurance and registration. I think to myself, i'm good, my inspection isnt up til the end of this month, my insurance and registration are good til 12/15. K. NOT!.

"can you please pull over to the side, I'll be right with you" (he was looking at my taped on inspection sticker pretty funny). I then look at my inspection sticker and see the month punched is November 2006. WTF! WTF! WTF! I got my inspection done in December WTF does it say November?

The last straw on the already broken camel's back. I start balling when i realize im FUCKED. I hear from another trooper "the tint's too dark too". WTF are you KIDDING ME?

NYS Trooper Hock comes over to my car. Looks again at my inspection sticker. "where did you get that sticker? it doesnt look real" I said i got it in Long Island when I lived there last December just before I moved here in January. It wouldnt stick so i taped it back on. "license and registation and proof of insurance please".

Of course i'm an idiot scatter brain and forgot to put my current insurance card in the car - so i just have my temporary in there. He says "can you roll up your window a little bit please?" I roll up window about 1/3. "This tint is too dark too. You need to remove that" I ask how "theres a spray they sell at Wal-Mart that softens it, you just need to take off the drivers side and passenger front. everything from your shoulder back is fine".

He takes a lap around my car and comes back. "that rear tire has no tread on it, that's not legal". Me just sitting here balling waiting for whatever else he's gonna hit me with.

"which ticket do you want? I'm only gonna give you 1. You want the inspection, the tire, or the tint?" I said which is cheaper and will affect my license and insurance the least? "they are all about the same price, $25-$50 ish depending on the judge, and none affect your license or insurance unless you dont pay them" I said i dunno ... "he says Im gonna give you the inspection".

he comes back "your court date is 12/18 at 6:00 pm. Make sure you get the car inspected before you go in. you could get it knocked down to a parking ticket or something. Stop crying its not a huge deal."

I said you dont understand, money is so tight right now and i'm just really having a bad bad time right now and now i cant even drive my car to take care of all my bills when i do finally get paid that will only take care of about 1/4 of what I owe and just enough to keep everyone at bay for another 2 weeks. This is just not what i needed right now. And to get this car inspected these tires are almost $200 a piece, plus whatever they decide to not pass me for on inspection, plus the inspection fee. I just really didnt need this right now.

"you still got your donut?" yes "put your donut on and find a shop that will pass you with the donut on or buy a used tire and just get it passed".

thats a great idea but no one has these tires used 215/45/17 is never used, hard to find, and just really out of what i can afford right now. "put ur donut on and see what you can find. make sure you go to the court and see if they'll drop it down for you".

Thanks officer. Am i gonna get nailed again when i come back through here in 10 mins? "no that ticket will buy you a couple of days. just get it taken care of as soon as possible". Thanks again.

I go buy my lousy pack of cigarettes. I come back to the road block. I pull over and wave to the same cop that gave me the ticket. I pull out my receipt showing I got my inspection done 12/08/05. I say, i'm not trying to be smart, i have a legitimate question. Why does it say november on my sticker? "he says somebody punched the wrong date, make sure you go to court and you should get it thrown out. Good thing you kept that. Make sure you take that receipt to court with you" and he proceeds to give me a couple places to try and find a cheap tire to throw on so i can pass inpsection. And my gas light comes on while im sitting there. He sees it - big red light on my dashboard. he says "i'll stop these guys and let you get on your way before i have to give you a ride home". Thanks again. "ok... have a good morning, night, afternoon... what time is it? 2:30... afternoon. hope it gets better for you". Thanks... again...

so lets say i find a cheap tire.. /cough .. cheap being the relative term being i have no expendable income at this moment. let's go back to June when i had to have a blow out replaced and the idiots that replaced my tire broke the key to my locking lugs. I bought a new set of lugs and key, but they dont make the kind that is on my other 3 tires. So any time i have to have any tire/brake work done on those 3 tires i now have to pay for someone to air chisel or cut off my old lugs and replace them with the new lugs. Thats at about $65 an hour labor. Plus cost of tire, plus cost of balance, mount, and road hazard, and $45 for inspection pass or fail. And what will they find to fail me for? Because as you can see... thats just my luck.

Did i mention i'm overwhelmed? I feel like i'm on the edge of a dark abyss, just tottering... i'm holding my breath, because heaven forbid i let out my breath it will be the thing that causes the final imbalance and causes me to fall into that abyss. (this is what i call LOSING MY SHIT) That abyss is looking mighty relieving and empty and full of mindless ignorance... but i fear if i give in and let go... will i ever get the motivation to belly crawl my way back out? Is there a way out of that blackness?

Life;s Lessons revisited

I totally get what you mean T, I guess I didnt explain myself well enough -

What I'm trying to say is I have a caretaker personality, it's something I cannot break away from, even when trying exceedingly hard to break this habit - it is in my nature to care for others.

I am always there for others to vent or what not, no matter whats going on in my life. For example - I was in the hospital waiting for blood work to verify if the bleeding i was having was a miscarriage or just spotting - my phone rings - i answer it to listen to a friend whine about their significant other and how they are being ignored etc - AFTER explaining where i was and what i was waiting for - all i got is an "OH ... bummer... well... get what this rat is doing now...."

Whats My Point?? I'm there for people no matter what. ALWAYS. No matter what I'm going through I dont say... "I'm sorry I dont have time for your drama right now I've got my own shit to deal with"... and you wouldnt believe how many times i'd really like to say that (especially in the above mentioned situation being my 5th miscarriage in a 3 year period of time).

But when I need someone when I'm not doing so good in my life and I could really stand to hear some uplifting Cheerleading - even if we both know its bullshit - I need to hear something positive - some pom pom shaking - someone making the effort to try and help me see beyond the cloud of oppressive pain ... WHO is there for me?

Why is it that I will stop everything I'm doing to take a phone call, answer an IM, go visit with a friend that needs help (to the point of leaving work to do these things) but when I need someone to talk to, hang out with, etc... WHO is there for me? Why do i get the... "uh... i cant take a break until... i get off at ... but i already made plans to do ... try me tomorrow or something... etc" or even better yet "HEY! you've reached.... leave a message I'll get back to ya..." I leave said message and get no return call :(

I also have a tendency to help others until it becomes detrimental to my own welfare ... another example ... after splitting with my ex i knew he had no place to live if i asked him to leave, so against any sane judgment i allowed him to stay ... having this person live in the same house with me is what started the horrendous snowball/drowning effect I'm going through now and cant seem to find my way out of.

I work at home, so having someone who is unemployed (and refusing to be employed) sitting next to me all day chatting away at me and taking phone calls and playing computer games all within 3 feet of where i'm trying to make money to keep a roof over my head, the internet on so i can continue to work, food for me and my dogs, etc you get the point was prohibiting me from getting said work done. I got into trouble time and time again with work, "you're in this report too long" "you're not meeting your production requirments" "we're cutting you to part time" (means loss of PTO, loss of medical benefits, loss of holiday pay, loss of respect from my employer etc)

My job is to listen to doctors "dictate" (an audio recording) and type it - correctly because it is a permanent, legal part of someone's medical history and because it is also what the doctors and nurses use to care for their patient. If any part of what I type is incorrect there could be fatal consequences (missed an allergy, put a wrong medication, gave a wrong diagnosis... etc) I also get paid on production, not by the hour. Put 2 and 2 together and see that if someone is running their mouth or playing loud tv or computer games I cant hear the doctor to do my work ... the less i work... the less $ i make... the less bills get paid... see the vicious cycle?

Said person also took it upon themselves to eat every last bit of food in the house that nearly half of my paycheck would go to purchase - leaving me with nothing. He would take my bank card and buy things without my knowledge/permission until i started getting calls and letters and notices from the companies i had mailed checks to pay bills that the checks had bounced and oohhh now i'm in the hole a bit deeper and now quite a bit of my paycheck is going for bounced check fees and the bills remain unpaid.... and of course because of the decreased amount of work being done because of previously mentioned interruptions to work... the paychecks get smaller... the past due amounts continue to grow - the smaller paychecks are unable to cover the monthly expenses let alone tackle any of the past due amounts ... the mess gets bigger and more overwhelming. And even now, that person is gone and I nearly forcefully removed from my house because of all of these problems but only stood up for myself and what i deserved AFTER i'm so far damaged from trying to help someone else that I cant get things under control for myself.

.....well snowball after snowball has arrived and melted (due to the heat from this hell i'm in) and now i'm in up to my eyebrows drowning trying to stay afloat - doing that tilt your head back and stand on your tip toes and claw at the waves to try and get a small gasp of air to hold onto until the next wave passes...

its all exhausting, overwhelming... and doesnt even bring into play other aspects of my life that also need addressing and restructuring.

and through all this, I've decided... I may go down, but I'll go down fighting, and I'm fighting for my life right now so you better believe I'm fighting dirty! I may not have much to live for at the moment- i may not have anywhere to live next month - i may have a job but no way to perform that job without the internet and electricity - i may only have 1 cup of cooked rice left to eat and I dont get paid until friday but my dogs have food for at least another week - xmas is just around the corner (19 days) and i'm going to be sitting here alone and have no way to do a present exchange for anyone or with anyone, but hopefully it will be with my internet on and electricity on and my gas on - i have no idea how i'm going to fight my way out of this mess and get back on the right track -- But i'm terrified to die. I'm terrified to NOT fight my way out of this.

I came to this realization during the white out and 12 inches of snow that fell in less than 4 hours ... that i drove home through Monday night. I kept asking myself why am i trying so hard not to wreck? When i go into this next spin why dont i just let go... let it happen instead of fighting it... I could really F** it up and not have to worry about any of this crap anymore- no more you owe this, you owe that, no more nightmares, no more drama - just F** it all - as I watch cars slide to within inches of pushing me off the road and down a small cliff...

Because I dont really want to die... I want to find a way out of this shit hole i'm in and say F U to the people that wouldnt be my friends (and family for that matter) when I needed it and forgot how many times I was "there" for them when they needed it. I want to see what my life will be like when I finally get myself out of this mess...

Thats the point I'm trying to make. I will still be there for my "friends" but from now on... my needs are coming firs ... you're just gonna have to wait unless its detrimental or lifethreatening.

Life Lesson that I've learned

A little insight into my mentality the past few days... albeit a little too late for some situations... but we have to learn somehow right? I've decided that I'm worth much more than I'm getting, in all areas of my life. I work too hard and dont get enough credit, again, in all areas of my life. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy and getting nowhere, and in most cases this is a futile effort.

Futile because the result is others being happy or sometimes my efforts are useless in making others happy, or what makes one person happy makes another unhappy and I'm left stuck in a vicious cycle. The result is still Me feeling drained, Me feeling lifeless, Me feeling unhappy, Me having no energy left to do something for myself, be that something a very important task that cant be dismissed, or just something small to give myself a boost.

So listen up f00kers! ITS TIME TO MAKE ME HAPPY! And if you value me, my friendship, my happiness, my companionship, my attention to Your detail, - step up and check it before you wreck it! And if I dont matter to you, if my happiness isnt even a passing thought to you, if you dont give a shit either way? well...

My very special brown eye is puckered and waiting for a big sloppy smooch! nuf said?

India Arie
Video

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

When I look in the mirror the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know my creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicon I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be India Arie

India Arie - VIDEO

Currently listening : Video By India.Arie Release date: By 28 May, 2001

The Irony of Love

loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life...


and sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again...


for some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person...
in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else...


most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. love is always present. it's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little...


as we all know that the heart is the center of the body, but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right...


most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time. while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger...


so here's a piece of advice;
let go when you're hurting too much. give up when love isn't enough. and move on when things are not like before...


For sure there is someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE...